Listen Yall: No Tears Are Left.

There comes a time in the grief process where you can’t even cry anymore. There are no tears left to expel. The medicine helps but I still walk around feeling sad most days. I’ve just learned how to cope and hide it.

I was out shopping the other day and this teenager and her dad were shopping at the same store I was. Her dad did something to embarrass her and of course she scoffed and rolled her eyes and told him to stop.

I didn’t say anything to them but my eyes burned with tears. I wish my dad was still here to embarrass me. I wish I could still scoff and roll my eyes. I wish we could still run errands together.

This holiday season has been really difficult. Last Thanksgiving, when Daddy was still here, I couldn’t see him because he was quarantined in the closed covid unit after his brain surgery. Part of me knew that’d be the last Thanksgiving with him here but another part of me was holding on to the hope that we’d get the 1 to 5 years with him post surgery and treatment, like the neurosurgeon had said. He didn’t even last 4 full months after surgery. Treatment wasn’t an option for him.

Christmas is coming and it has always been my favorite holiday. The lights. The decor. The family. The meaning. While I’m still looking forward to it this year, I can’t help but think back on last year's Christmas. Daddy was in the rehab facility and once again, because of covid, no one except me could go inside. Luckily, I was able to make sure he got a bottom floor with an accessible window. My family made “WE LOVE YOU” signs and showed up on Christmas Day outside his window. We were able to hear each other through the window thanks to cell phones. I wanted to make his Christmas as special as we could. Knowing it would likely be his last.

My husband and I are talking about trying for another baby soon and I can’t help but think about the fact that neither of my parents will get to meet that baby. It breaks my heart over and over again. My last pregnancy, I was a teenager, and they were both there for me through the whole thing. This time, neither of them will be there. It’s gut wrenching.

There are no guidelines or rules to grief. Process it the way you need to process it but please reach out to people, even me, and get help and community before spiraling into darkness. I’ve been there and it’s a really scary place that I don’t ever want to go back to. If you’ve been reading my blog and have lost a loved one, or several loved ones, and you feel alone, please reach out to me. My email isn’t listed here for no reason.

Stay True,

Hails