Listen Yall: Your Feelings are Valid.

No one talks about how hard cancer is for the caregiver. It’s always only about how hard it is for the patient. Please don’t mistake this for selfishness. That isn’t what this is. This is simply a message for all caregivers out there taking care of a loved one to let you know, you are not alone. Let me repeat that: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Cancer is a terrible thing. It doesn’t discriminate. Age. Race. Gender. It doesn’t care if you are a bad person or a person who has never done wrong. It doesn’t care if you are the nicest person in the world. Cancer is mean and ugly.

Being a caregiver for a family member with cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever endured, and I have been through a lot. My dad is one of the nicest humans on the planet. Or, he was until this glioblastoma took control of him. Through diagnosis and surgery and covid and rehab and moving him into our home (all of which spanned over two and a half months), I have never left my daddy’s side. I stayed overnight in the hospital until I wasn’t allowed. I called him every day on the phone to check on him when the hospital had him in the closed covid unit. I visited him as often as I could when he was in rehab. And I have picked him up off the floor, covered in excrement. Yet I get yelled at. I get cussed out. I get argued with. People say, “I know what you’re going through.” No. You don’t. Please don’t say that. People say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Are you going to come stay with my dad and clean him up when he has an accident and pick him up off the floor when he falls? No? Then please don’t say that. Are you going to come stay here overnight so my husband and I, as well as our son, can get a full night's rest, knowing he is taken care of? No? Then please don’t say that.

Everyone’s cancer journey is different, and by no means am I trying to make this about me. I cannot even fathom what my poor daddy goes through internally on a daily basis. BUT this blog’s purpose is for me to tell my story in hopes it can touch someone else’s life and their struggle. So here it is. Raw. Real. Ugly.

I am tired. Exhausted, in fact. When this all began I was lucky if I remembered to brush my hair every day. Then, it was if I remembered to brush my teeth every day. Now, it’s if I get to shower when I need to and if not (which honestly, it’s a stretch) than how often? I have completely lost myself and my identity in this chapter of my life. I used to think I had it all together and even then I was a mess. I don’t know how in the hell I am even standing and getting out of bed anymore. A lot of my friend’s have even said that to me. My response has always been, “I don’t have a choice,” but really y’all, I have no idea. I’d like to think that, while I don’t understand it, I am putting all of my trust and faith in God. And because of that I like to believe He is giving me His strength. There is simply no other explanation.

All of these feelings I am having are valid, just like all of the feelings you are having as your family member’s caregiver are valid. There is no right or wrong way of doing things. Each person is different, along with their needs. If you are the caregiver and your family member is living with you, and you are the one there on a daily basis, take what others say with a grain of salt. Listen to suggestions, because sometimes they can be helpful, but at the end of the day you are the one there around the clock. You know what your family member needs and what is best. Not Aunt Susie or Cousin Jethro, simply because they are not there day in and day out.

While I have times of weakness and question myself everyday, I know that I am doing the very best that I can for my dad. God put him in my home for a reason and I will continue to take care of him the very best that I can. I have had family members tell me I couldn’t do it. I’ve had them tell me I was crazy. I’ve had them tell me there was no way I would be able to take care of my dad and grandparents all living with me. But guess what? I can. I did. I am.

You can too. Just dig deep and find God’s strength in yourself. It’s there I promise.

Stay True,

Hails