Listen Yall: Grief is Weird.

Well that just hit me out of nowhere.

Listen y’all, grief is weird. It’s so freaking weird. I was at a family get-together today for Easter. The first family gathering since my Dad passed away, maybe even the first one I’ve been to since my Mom passed away too. I thought I was doing okay but I wasn’t. I kept waiting for them to walk through the door, homebrew in hand. My Dad, happy to see everyone and my Mom’s usual “Hi! How are you?!” accompanied by hugs.

They never came. They never walked through the door. What did I do? I had a drink. A heavy drink. I guess I assumed the stronger the drink, the more I’d forget my pain. I did not. Yall, I’m a light-weight. In other words, it doesn’t take much to get me feeling buzzed. I had one drink. One. But I was feeling it. Even then, I couldn’t get the thought of my parents showing up out of my head.

Our usual family gatherings had a minimum of fourteen people there, that number is slowly dwindling.

It has come to my attention that, the past month and a half, I’ve read three books. Front to back. Yall, I don’t usually read. For fun. What? I’ve realized I have picked up reading so as to escape my current reality. To escape my world shattered, battered, and broken around me. I was reading my current book on our way home to kill time (it’s an hour drive). I got to a stopping place, marked my page, and as soon as I put my book away the tears began to flow.

First they were slow tears. As we approached home and made our way up the driveway, I concealed my pain from my child so he would not become upset. He is very empathic and seeing other people cry makes him sad. My sweet baby. Once I made my way into my room, I hid under the covers, sure they would protect me, and I sobbed. I wailed. I howled. All in pain. I haven’t cried like that since the moment my Dad passed. I did with my Mom but since my Dad died, I have to make sure my child, husband, and Grandparents were okay before I was able to evaluate myself. I guess I held it in too long.

I’ve cried many times over my twenty-six years on this planet, over lost friendships and other heartbreak, but I have never cried so hard that my nose backed up and snot started pooling in my throat. (Gross I know, but hey...this blog is all about transparency.)

I’ve started reflecting a lot the last couple weeks on my Dad’s passing and the different stages we went through together along his short cancer journey. Want to know the biggest thing that haunts me? His face as he crossed over. I held his hand as he went but I will never forget seeing my Daddy laying there, lifeless. A piece of me died with him that day. I will never get that piece of me back.

Rest peacefully Daddy. Say hi to Momma. I will see y’all again one day...and yes, I see the red Cardinals everywhere I go.

Stay true,

Hails