Listen Yall: I'm Numb.

I’m numb.

Yall, today sucked. There is no delicate way to put it. Today was my Daddy’s funeral. There were so many people there yesterday and today, showing their support and doing some of their own grieving. I wish I could say it is done but it isn’t. My Dad wanted to be cremated. With my Mom’s service we had a viewing and then had the casket at the funeral mass. Afterwards, family helped put the casket into the hearse and that was it. It drove off and a day later I went, hand in hand, with my Daddy to get her cremains.

I’m numb.

This time will be different. This time has been different. With my Mom’s service, I had help. I had my Dad. This time I didn’t have help. I didn’t have my Dad. For my Mom’s service I was able to write and read her Eulogy. This time, I could hardly keep my eyes from watering. Crying. My Aunt read the Eulogy I wrote on my behalf. She did beautifully and I thank her for that. Had I read it, there definitely would have been hyperventilating, snot, and ugly crying involved, but I was able to do all of that from my seat.

I’m numb.

Everyone’s life just goes on. Work, school, practices, life. But here I am: A 26 year old orphan. Yes, I’ve got my husband and our son. I’ve got my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins..but nothing can replace your parents. Nothing can fill this hole, this void, I have in my heart and in my being.

I’m numb.

I had a lot of people come up to me, as I stood there by myself receiving those who have come to pay their respects (because I was expected to). If it was up to me and if I didn’t have good morals, I would have just up and left as soon as they put Daddy in the back of that car. My Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to see how many people’s lives my Dad touched. It was great to get a chance to talk to everyone and hear bits and pieces of stories. But yall, I am exhausted. The second we got into the car after everything was over, I collapsed. It is a wonder how I am even awake right now.

I’m numb.

The physical and emotional exhaustion and distress I have been in the last four months is unimaginable. People always say “I know what you’re going through” but...no, you don’t. No one can fathom this pain. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I haven’t known what day it has been since November 9th. Since they came into my Dad’s hospital room and told him he had terminal cancer. Since they came in to that room and completely derailed me. Completely tore my world apart.

I’m so numb.

I haven’t even really had time to grieve the loss of my Mom and now I have to figure out how to grieve both of my parents? At the same time? You’re joking, right God? Like...haha, that was funny, jokes over? No? Oh. Well shit. (For those who are new here, my Mom passed away in August 2020 due to Covid 19 complications.)

When I started this blog, I had the intentions of walking you through all of the things. All of the details. All of the ins and outs of my experience. I have done that thus far but we kind of started in the middle. I am taking the rest of the week to disconnect with the internet and reconnect with my family. I have become a medium to high functioning fragile shell over the last several months so this family time is much needed and very important. When I get back, I am going to sit down and plan out the next few blog posts. They will be detailed. They will be personal. They will be hard to read.

Listen Yall, life is a freaking hurricane on steroids sometimes. But guess what? God.

Stay True,

Hails