Listen Yall: I'm Trying.

I’ve gotten kind of bad on consistency in my writing lately but y’all...life hit me like a train. Since my Dad passed away, we have been so busy with events and baseball games and school. I’ve been able to keep myself distracted. But now, the pain and the heartache has taken over. I barely sleep at night but can’t get out of bed so I sleep all day. Food doesn’t even sound good anymore.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t depressed. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely or scared. My parents were the only thing constant in my life for so long. When something went wrong in my childhood, my parents were there to help me work through it. When I was a troubled teen, a rebellious teen, my parents were there (although we fought) to help me get through it. I loved both of them so much. My mom was a tough love. She never handed me anything and made me work for everything. At the time I hated it! I was annoyed. I was young. But when I was a single mom on my own, I was able to get by because of the dedication and will to carry on which my mom instilled in me.

I didn’t even have time to grieve my Mom when we found out my Dad was sick. I know they were both always in my corner but my Dad was my person. I could go to him for anything. He was always there for me, no judgement. We’d run around the house together playing tag while my mom would be trying to cook dinner. I learned how to hunt with my Dad. I learned how to shoot with my Dad. I learned how to love and laugh with my Dad. I learned that being silly is okay. I learned not to care what others think. My Dad was my best friend and he was taken from me without much notice.

All he wanted to do was watch my son play baseball. He LOVED playing with J. I know he was there in spirit but for me and my little one, it wasn’t the same. J didn’t get to make his first homerun or his first hit off coach and hear his PawPaw cheering for him. He didn’t get pictures with him after games. We didn’t get to hear his dorky laugh when J did a cartwheel after running home.

In life, there is so much noise and sometimes you have to remove yourself from the noise. There are so many people telling me to do this or that. What’s right or wrong. How to feel. You know what my Dad would say? What my Dad did say? F*** ‘EM! He’d say not to worry about other people and their opinions. I am handling this the best way I know how. It may not be how you would, but unless you are in my position, how can you say what you would or wouldn’t do? How can you say how you would or wouldn’t act?

Everyone has trauma in their lives, so do not mistake this for me belittling yours. I’m not. But I also don’t need your permission to go through this the way I need to. God forbid you lose your parents back to back in seven months and take on having your grandparents live with you all in your first year of marriage and at just 26 years old. You don’t like how I am handling it? That’s fine. But don’t you dare tell me I’m doing this wrong. I’m doing the best I can. Day by day. Sometimes it’s even hour by hour and minute by minute.

Stay True,

Hails