Listen Yall: I Need My Rock.

I have been through a lot in my life, none of which this blog reflects; yet anyway.

Throughout my life, I have been in emotional distress many times. I have cried tears of helplessness many times. I have felt insecurity many times. But never have I been this emotionally distraught. Yall. Get ready for this.

Okay so on top of everything we have going on already with the loss of my mom, my dad’s terminal diagnosis, my grandmother having Alzheimer’s, and my dad as well as my grandparents living with us, all within our first nine months of marriage, my grandpa, we call him Poppy, who has been the most independent of the three of them had to go to the hospital two days ago. My husband took him and stayed with him overnight for the last two days and nights. And for those two days and nights, I have not been able to be still in the presence of God and reflect and write. I have been an emotional wreck. I have been down. I have been dragging. I have not been able to sleep. I’m anxious. I’m paranoid. I’m a mess.

Poppy said he was extremely dizzy and felt like he was spinning with the room. He was nauseated and if he wasn’t perfectly still, the symptoms worsened. I called his doctor to see what we needed to do (there is a family history of stroke so I thought it best to get him checked out.) His doctor said it could be temporary vertigo or he could have had a small stroke at the back of his brain. I’m sorry God. You’re joking right? Like, you’re trying to be funny? So I talked to my husband and we decided given everything we have going on, it was best to get Poppy checked out to be safe. The hospital ran all kinds of tests and scans. They found a small hole in his heart that could cause issues in the future but declared his symptoms were pointing to Vertigo. His PCP is going to keep a close eye on him and the heart thing. The hospital he was at wanted to do an exploratory surgery to be sure there really is a hole but, as a family, we decided to do some research and find a reputable cardiologist and go from there.

Trevor called me today finally telling me they’re coming home today and I think that gave me the relief I needed. I finally was able to let my breath out and feel alive again. While still anxious, the anxiety has at least let up a little but not completely.

Let me elaborate on these internal manifestations controlling my life based on external circumstances I have no say over. Trevor and I have been through hell and high water, even in the early stages of our relationship. As a result of all of those trials and obstacles that we’ve overcome, I am so extremely dependent on him. I hate it when he leaves. I hate it when he has to go out on a work call in the middle of the night because a plant went down. I hate it when we are not together.

Now, some of you are probably thinking things like, “Girl, it isn’t good to be that dependent on another person” or “It’s only been two days, get a grip” or “You’re a strong woman, you don’t need to rely on your husband that much to feel secure.” Actually yall, that is exactly what I need. And is that not exactly what God gave us husbands for? Husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loved the church, and when my husband is home with me and our son, I am calm. I am at peace. I am safe. All of the tribulations God has thrown our way lately is definitely testing our faith in Him, but we continue to claim Him as our savior. Even so, things are still so unpredictable. Every day we wake up not knowing what new change in decline my dad will present that we will have to quickly cope with, and figure out, so that he is taken care of and comfortable.

All that being said, I need my rock. My constant. My best friend. My compass. My soulmate. My confidant. My companion. My hero. My blessing. My saving grace. My gift from God. My husband.

Stay true,

Hails