Listen Yall: I've Snapped.

Has anyone watched a loved one slowly die? Me too. Has anyone ever felt so completely helpless? Me too. Has anyone fallen face first into a deep dark hole of depression? Me too.

Listen yall, the last few days have been exhausting. All of the pain and sadness I have been suppressing since August, has now consumed me. It has crept out of the shadows of my mind and overwhelmed every part of my being. I am emotionally drained. I am physically exhausted. My eyes are constantly burning, fighting tears. The weight of my body feels heavier than normal, only I have unintentionally been losing weight. I have little to no interest in food.

Is this grieving or depression or both? Probably both.

I have no words to describe how amazing Trevor has been through all of this. He knows I’ve battled depression in the past. He has seen it. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t bring myself to face the day. I couldn’t bring myself to be brave for my grandparents or my child today. So I hid, in bed away from the world and any responsibility. Trev knows me. He knows me better than I know myself. Today, he picked me up out of bed (literally), he got my coffee, and he did my hair for me. (Side note: When my hair is pulled back for a long time I get migraines, so he straightened it..) I can barely function anymore. I've snapped.

I’ve stayed in bed most of the day today. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law has taken amazing care of my Dad (she has thirty years in hospice experience). We are so blessed to have her with us right now to help. Sunday was an eye opener for me and Trevor, both. My Dad had gotten to the point that was beyond my understanding and I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. But here came Belinda to save the day. An angel on Earth.

I know I’ve jumped around a lot on this blog post, and I’m going to do it again.

Yall, the man I married is seriously, in every aspect of the word, incredible. Although I have stayed in bed majority of the day today, and cut myself off from everyone else in my house, I have gone and sat with my Dad several times. I was in there one time while Belinda (MIL) was getting him situated. Trevor helps her move him, so that she doesn’t strain her back so much. I was paralyzed with an abundance of different feelings when I saw the man God blessed me with jump in and help. On one hand, I never thought I’d see my Daddy so helpless. As a little girl, he stood tall. He was brave and strong. He could fix anything. He could always make me laugh. He was Superman. On the other hand, seeing my husband put aside his inhibitions and serve, not only his Mom by helping her, but also me and my Dad by helping him. Whoa. I was blown away. My eyes panged with burning tears, and those same tears slowly dripped down my cheeks. I couldn’t handle it any longer and went back to my room. My bed. My safe place.

Stay True,

Hails