Listen Yall: Silence.

Silence.

All I heard as soon as my Daddy took his last breath. My world, forever changed. My heart, forever broken.

As soon as he was pronounced, I ran outside barefoot and without a coat. I collapsed onto my knees in the snow and I wailed. I hyperventilated. I dry heaved. I broke. Trevor, my sweet sweet husband, took me inside to our bed. He sat with me as I continued to sob. Scream. Wail. Hyperventilate. Dry heave. And then all that was left was

Silence.

The air around me felt heavy. The hum of the heater was all I could hear. No birds chirped. No dogs barked. My husband didn’t speak. We sat in

Silence.

Death is weird. As an only child who has now lost both parents within seven months of one another, what am I? Who am I? Am I an orphan now, even though I’m 26 years old? It took me 24 years to fully understand who I am and claim it. And now, within months it has become distorted once again. Who am I?

Watching my Grandpa mourn his only child is heart wrenching. He is in so much emotional pain, I hurt for him too.

Do you know about red cardinals? What they mean? What they represent? Supposedly, when you see a red cardinal, a loved one is visiting you from Heaven. They can also mean that death is near. Listen yall, the number of red cardinals I’ve seen the past several months, especially this past week is insane. The ways I have seen these cardinals, even moreso. Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, watching TV shows, driving, outside of my home. They have been everywhere.

I used to not understand the spiritual world, so I ignored it. I pretended it wasn’t real so that I didn’t have to face my fear. Since meeting my now mother-in-law five years ago, my faith has grown. Flourished. Like a mustard seed. I am a firm believer in our Savior, Jesus Christ. God is my God. I do acknowledge the spiritual world. I believe in it and I believe in the good and evil that world brings. Once getting to this point in my faith journey, what God has shown me about that world is undeniable. It is real and it exists. He (God) has blessed me with little glimpses into the spiritual world every now and then. When this all began and I saw the cardinals, I took that as my Mom showing me she was there, helping me get through this one step at a time. As we got closer to my Dad’s passing, the cardinals transformed into a meaning of death drawing near.

I am in so much pain, but my Dad isn’t. I am so confused and lost, but my Dad isn’t. I wish I could see my mom, and my Dad is! How amazing is all of that? That gives me peace in this storm. That gives me hope in this storm.

I read today’s Jesus Calling entry earlier and, like usual, it is exactly what I needed.

It read:

“Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your

perspective changes radically. Instead of bemoaning your

circumstances, you can look to Me for help. You recall that

not only am I with you; I am holding you by your right hand.

I guide you with My counsel, and afterward I will take you

into Glory. This is exactly the perspective you need: the

reassurance of My Presence and the glorious hope of heaven.”

Source cited:

“Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence.” Jesus Calling: 365 Devotions with Real-Life Stories, by Sarah Young, Thomas Nelson, 2019, pp. 51–51.

Stay True,

Hails